Scared
by Sora.Auditore1
Summary: Desmond had never told them about it, but he was scared. Scared that all the fighting against the Templars would be for nothing. Scared that he would fail. Scared that he might share the same fate as Subject 16. Scared for his own life and the lives of his companions.
1. Chapter 1

Timeline: During the events of Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood

**This is my first fan-fiction; hopefully it's good for a first attempt.**

**So what inspired me to write this, you might ask? - While I really enjoyed the story of Assassin's Creed thus far, I felt that the games could have done a better job of showing Desmond's fear. We really only see him displaying fear in the first Assassin's Creed game, and although he was definitely feeling fear in the other games, it wasn't shown as well as I thought it could have been. **

**Hopefully this story isn't out of character for Desmond, but I don't think it is. Because considering everything that he was going through throughout the games: There's no way that he wasn't afraid, and dealing with issues behind the scenes.**

**This story is partly based on my own experiences with Anxiety/Fear. It will be 3 or 4 chapters long. I hope you like it!**

**Chapter 1:**

"Alright, that's enough for today Desmond, nice work!" said Rebecca as she disconnected Desmond from the Animus.

"Thanks Rebecca" Desmond replied. He didn't want to be dealing with reality right now, but he already knew that spending too long in the Animus was a bad idea. The Bleeding Effect at its current strength was already enough to deal with, as if he needed that to get worse.

_Well, back to…reality _he thought to himself, staring at the ground blankly. He hoped nobody would notice that something was up with him. Usually they didn't seem to notice it when he felt like this. He wanted to tell them, but how would he?

"You alright Desmond?"

_How much longer can I keep this up?_

"Desmond!"

He snapped out of his thoughts and looked up. It was Lucy, with a concerned look in her eyes.

"Huh?" was all he could manage to reply with.

"Are you alright?" she asked again.

"Oh, yeah I'm good."

"Are you sure? You seem kind of upset."

It wasn't just Lucy who seemed concerned, Shaun and Rebecca both had their eyes on him as well.

_Damn, so they did notice. _"Yeah, I'm fine guys, don't worry. Just kinda drowsy, that's all" he assured them.

Shaun spoke next. "Ah, well in that case, you'd best go walk around or something, get a chance to stretch. But try not to get lost would ya? Took you and Lucy awhile back in these tunnels yesterday, I was almost certain you had gotten lost."

There was a hint of sarcasm in his voice when he spoke that last sentence. It wasn't surprising coming from Shaun; it was just his way of trying to brighten the mood when things seemed too serious.

Desmond forced a smile. "Yeah, good plan. Thanks Shaun". Then, without another word, he left. 

Lucy watched Desmond worriedly as he left, something seemed off about him. "Guys, do you think he's ok?"

"C'mon Lucy, why wouldn't he be?" Rebecca replied. Shaun nodded in agreement.

"He looked like something was bothering him. I mean, I know he can be quiet or shy sometimes, like when he first met you two. But something's not right."

Neither Shaun nor Rebecca seemed convinced, so she continued speaking.

"Just yesterday when we were navigating these tunnels, he was all smiles and cracking jokes with me. He was having the time of his life! Well, aside from the Bleeding Effect-induced hallucinations."

"And what exactly is your point Lucy?" Shaun inquired.

"My point, Shaun, is that Desmond is often more enthusiastic then he seems to be right now! You guys both saw that flawless Leap of Faith that he did before we went into these tunnels, he was enjoying himself!"

Rebecca was deep in thought for a moment, and then she spoke. "You might be right. I never gave it much thought until now, but: Even in the midst of everything that's going on, Desmond has still managed to smile and have fun from time to time. I've never seen him upset."

"Never seen him upset, yet" Shaun corrected her. "Need I remind you two we haven't exactly known him for that long?

Rebecca nodded. He was right; they hadn't known Desmond for that long.

"He was scared back at Abstergo" said Lucy. "At first he was just confused, and wanted answers, but he was frightened when he learned that they planned on killing him after they found the memories they wanted. But that was back at Abstergo. His life isn't in any immediate danger right now. That was the only time that I've seen him like that."

"Maybe the Bleeding Effect is starting to get worse for him?" Rebecca offered.

Lucy considered that for a moment. "Maybe, but if that's the case then I'm sure he would have told one of us about it. He didn't hesitate to tell me the first time it happened to him."

"Or, maybe everything that's been going on since Abstergo abducted him is starting to take its toll?"

Lucy nodded. "Yeah, maybe that's it. Whatever it is, I'm worried. I'm going to check on him in a bit"

Rebecca smiled. "I'm sure he's fine Lucy."

"I second that, he's a tough lad alright" said Shaun.

Lucy wanted to agree with them, but she couldn't fight the feeling that Desmond was struggling with something. _I just hope that, if something is bothering him, he'll be comfortable enough to talk about it_.


	2. Chapter 2

**The song referred to in this chapter is "Let Go" by Red. I was listening to it a day ago and I thought to myself "I can imagine Desmond Miles listening to this song", so I decided to incorporate it into the story. **

**Chapter 2: **

He had been simply sitting around in the tunnel for about 10 minutes, not too far away from where they had set up the Animus and all the other equipment. He just sat there, slouched with his head hanging low, wiping the tears off his cheeks.

_How much more of this can I take? The only time I feel any comfort anymore, is when I'm in the Animus. I can't spend the rest of my fucking life feeling like this!_

Sure, he probably wasn't the only one who was going through this, but not everybody copes with it the same way. He wasn't even sure how he had managed to cope with the fear lately.

_This all just happened so fast. Abstergo kidnapping me and almost getting away with killing me, everything I thought I knew about the world crumbling all around me. I don't know what to believe anymore, and why did I just agree to become an Assassin so damn fast? Well, I guess I didn't have much of a choice anyway._

He reached into his backpack and pulled out a small, white IPod Shuffle and a pair of black Skullcandy earphones. They were Lucy's. She lent it to him after they had escaped from Abstergo, so that he had something to do in his spare time.

_"Here, I don't really know what music you listen to, but hopefully you find something you like" said Lucy, as she handed him the IPod and the earphones. _

_"Thanks!" he replied with a smile on his face._

Until recently, he had never used an IPod before. Growing up in The Farm, surrounded by Assassins, spending days and days training so you could be ready to face the "Templar threat" didn't leave much room for electronic entertainment, if any.

"Well, I only used this thing once before, but I liked the songs I heard. Plus, I don't know what else to do anyway" he muttered to himself. This wasn't a cell phone or one of those more recent IPods that you could connect to the Internet with, so he wasn't in danger of being located by Abstergo. Plus, they were underground.

Without hesitation he put the earphones in and pressed play. He recognized the song almost immediately; it was one that he really liked: "Let Go" by Red. He remembered a friend of his showing him some of their songs, back when he was working as a bartender. He immersed himself into the music, not wanting to pay attention to anything else.

_Hey you, look what you do to me  
You bend and you bruise me  
While you try to control me?  
But you don't know me_

_How come you just want to hurt me?  
How come you just want to push me?  
I can't ignore you anymore_

He knew he couldn't keep up his tough guy façade forever. Yes, he wanted to defeat the Templars, yes, he was prepared to fight, and to kill if he had to. But he couldn't deny it, he was scared. The fear was eating away at him, slowly but surely.

"Is this how I'm gonna spend the rest of my life? Always afraid? I can't live like that, how could anyone live like that?!" he asked himself.

_'Cause everywhere I turn you  
You burn me, you break me  
You always want to take me down with you  
What do you want from me?!_

He had grown up with fear. First he feared that one day the Templars would finally attack him and his family and friends at The Farm. Then, when he stopped believing in all the talk of Templars and ran away, he feared that he'd eventually be found, and forced to return to his old life. Then the Templars kidnapped him and held him hostage for a week, and he feared that he wouldn't make it out of there alive. Now they were on the move, running out of time to save the world, and he feared that he would fail to fulfill his part in all of this.

Tears started rolling down his cheeks again, but he made no effort to stop them.

_I don't wanna be afraid.  
I don't wanna run away  
I don't want to be here fading.  
It's more than I can take_

"I can't just end up like Subject 16, I can't just fail! I can't let them down!"

_I'm never gonna be the same  
I threw it all away  
I don't want to be here fading  
Just let go! _

He replayed the song a couple times, and then finally made a decision.

"I need to tell them" he decided. He couldn't keep this bottled up inside of him, and if talking to his companions about it would help him cope, then so be it.

"I need to tell them."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3:**

It only took Lucy a couple of minutes to find him; he had just gotten up, presumably heading back to the Sanctuary.

But she noticed something else. _Wait a minute. Are those tears? He's been crying? _

Without hesitation, she approached him, determined to find out what was wrong.

"Desmond?"

He flinched, not expecting Lucy to sneak up on him like that. He wouldn't look at her, determined not to let her notice that he had been crying.

"Hey Lucy, I was just heading back."

"What's going on Desmond?"

He didn't answer her, he was going to tell them, but not like this.

"Come on, clearly something's wrong…" Lucy continued.

Desmond sighed. "I was going to tell you guys, but not now."

"Tell us what?"

Again, he didn't answer.

"Desmond, please" begged Lucy. Her tone had softened. "Why were you crying?"

Desmond was silent for a moment. _Alright, she noticed anyway. The sooner I get it off my chest, the better, I guess..._

Finally, he turned to face her, the frown visible on his face. Then he finally said it. "I'm scared, Lucy."

"Scared of what Desmond?"

He sighed again; this was harder than he hoped it would be. _ Just let it out. The sooner you do, the better._

"I'm scared that…" he began, with a quiver in his voice. "…That all the fighting against the Templars will end up being for nothing. Scared that I'll screw up and let everyone down, that I'll fail! Scared that I'll eventually share the same fate as 16. I'm scared that you, or Shaun, or Rebecca might die protecting me, or worse…because of me!"

Lucy let out a small gasp. She had never seen this side of Desmond before, and it was surprising, to say the least. Sure, he had been frightened back at Abstergo, but back there his life was in near-immediate danger. Anyone would have been frightened in that situation. Since they escaped from Abstergo, all she had seen from him was smiles, confidence, determination, and the occasional curiosity or confusion.

"I know I can't be the only one who's dealing with this fear" he continued. "But not everyone deals with it the same way, or as well as the next guy. It all happened so fast: Abstergo kidnapping me and almost killing me, our escape, and everything I thought I knew about the world? Gone! Never coming back! Not to mention the fact that we only have until the end of the year to save the world. I had heard many things about the Templars when I was growing up, but I never believed it."

He raised his arm up to his face, wiping away another tear. Lucy approached him slowly. "Desmond…"

"Damn it! I shouldn't have run away!" he shouted, staring at the ground miserably, his hands curled up into fists.

Lucy felt her heart sink. Seeing him like this was just painful. _Oh Desmond, I wish I knew what to say. I'm sorry this is happening to you, I really _am. She was scared too, and so were Shaun and Rebecca. However, they had been aware of the battle between the Assassins and the Templars for a while now. They had more experience. Desmond had just recently discovered that the things he grew up hearing, were true after all. He was right, these things HAD happened fast for him.

"I didn't want to tell you like this" he said. "What am I supposed to do Lucy? What can I do?"

She continued to slowly approach him and lightly squeezed his hand. "Just…try and have a little faith" she said gently.

_Just try and have a little faith_. She had said the same thing to him back at Abstergo, when he was scared for his life. That was when she secretly revealed to him that she was an Assassin, which actually did give him a little faith.

"I'm trying" he replied. "Trust me-"

Before he could finish his sentence, Lucy hugged him. He was surprised at first, but soon that surprise turned into a small sense of comfort. It made him feel a little bit safer. He put his arms around her, hugging her back.

"Have faith" Lucy repeated. After a good ten seconds, they broke the hug.

"Feel any better?" she asked him.

"Yeah, I…I think I do" he replied with a smile. "I guess letting out your feelings actually does help sometimes."

Lucy smiled back. "I'm glad I could help Desmond".

For a couple of seconds, they stared at each other, mesmerized. They're faces seemed to be inching closer, slowly…

"Come on" said Lucy, quickly turning away. Let's head back to the Sanctuary, and you can tell Shaun and Rebecca what you just told me. Only if you're ready to, of course."

"Oh, uhhh-" he said, slightly stunned. _For a moment I thought we would-ah forget it._ "Yeah, I think I'm ready. Let's go." _I wonder how they'll react when I tell them_.


	4. Chapter 4

**I made a minor change or two to chapter 3 and fixed a couple grammatical errors as well. Here is Chapter 4!**

**Chapter 4: **

"Come on Desmond, tell them! Tell them everything that you told me!" Lucy insisted. They were all eyeing him down, Shaun and Rebecca both visibly concerned and curious.

"Yeah, it's fine Desmond. Whatever it is, you can tell us!" said Rebecca. Shaun nodded, agreeing with her.

Desmond took a deep breath, gathering all his courage together. It was hard enough to tell Lucy everything that he told her, now he had to reveal it all again.

He turned to Lucy. "There are some details that I didn't talk about earlier, but I guess I should include them this time." He looked at Shaun and Rebecca next. "You guys really want to know what's bothering me?" They both nodded.

"Alright then, here goes" he muttered. He took another deep breath, and then he began.

They all listened as Desmond revealed his fears about failing to save the world, his regret about running away from The Farm, how he worried that the Bleeding Effect would sooner or later overtake him, and how he worried that the three of them could die protecting him.

"That's everything that I already told Lucy" Desmond assured them. "But there is a bit more that I haven't told any of you yet, if you want to hear it". All three of them nodded, and so he continued. Part of him wanted to back out, but it was too late for that now.

"Over the past few years, I've had anxiety from time to time, about everything I had been taught back at The Farm. Deep down I just thought it was all bullshit, but that didn't stop me from worrying that it could all turn out to be true. Now that I know it really is all true, the anxiety is still there, just for different reasons, which I just told you about now."

He couldn't help but wonder what the three of them were thinking right now. So he stopped talking, giving them room to speak.

"Desmond, I-" began Rebecca. "I know the Bleeding Effect is a scary thing, but like I said before. What happened to 16 won't happen to you. We're being-"

"Careful, I know" Desmond interrupted. "I appreciate that, but that's not a guarantee that it won't overtake me one day. That is, if I'm still alive after we stop this upcoming catastrophe, if we do. Then what happens if we succeed? Sure, it's better than failing, but nothing will change! The war between the Assassins and the Templars will still continue on, and we'll all still be busting our asses trying to make a change!"

A tear rolled down his cheek as he struggled to say anything more. He turned away, too embarrassed to let them see his tears. "All the fighting, all the pain, it CAN'T all be for nothing!"

All three of them were stunned. They had never seen Desmond look so distressed and fragile. Rebecca approached him first, resting her hand on his shoulder.

"It's gonna be okay Desmond" she said softly. "I know it may not seem that way, but I do believe that in the end, it'll be worth it"

Desmond turned to face her. "You really believe that?" he asked weakly.

She smiled and nodded. "I do. You may feel alone, but trust me, you're not. We're a team Desmond, whatever we face, we face it together."

"We're all more or less scared mate, even me" Shaun assured him. "But like she said, we're a team. If nobody else, we at least have each other. You're right, this war has been going on for ridiculously long, and it certainly doesn't seem like it'll be over anytime soon. But we have to keep fighting back, no matter what."

Lucy approached Desmond next. "I know it's hard to not feel afraid, to not just give up and stop fighting, but if not the Assassins, then who else will fight back against the Templars? We can't give up."

Desmond remained silent for a little bit, letting their words sink in. His friends were right, he wasn't alone, and they were a team. They, along with the rest of the Assassins will have to keep fighting back no matter what, because no one else will.

"I knew I couldn't be the only one who was dealing with this" he began, avoiding eye contact. "I just didn't know how to tell you guys, so I thought I would have to deal with it alone."

Then he looked up at them, a small, but genuine smile visible on his face. "I guess I was wrong about that last part".

"There he is! There's the Desmond we know!" beamed Rebecca, giving him a light nudge on the shoulder.

Desmond laughed softly, causing Lucy and even Shaun, to smile with relief.

"Thanks for listening guys" he said.

"Of course!" said Rebecca happily.

Shaun finally approached Desmond, joining the rest of them. "Group hug anyone? Hmm?" he asked with a faint smile.

They all looked at Shaun, flabbergasted. There wasn't even a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

"Sure, why the hell not?" Desmond laughed.

And so they did.

_It'll be alright,_ Desmond assured himself. _I'm still scared, I'm sure we all are, but at least we have each other. This war is far from over, but we can win, along with the rest of the Assassins. I just need to…we need to…have faith._


	5. Epilogue

**Here we go, the final chapter of this story, the epilogue. I know this took a long time and I apologize for that, I was procrastinating on finishing this, but I'm done now!**

**Please do review if you can. I hope everyone who read this story enjoyed it!**

**Epilogue: **

Desmond sat in the tunnel, earphones in; listening to the same song as the last time he sat there alone.

"It's been a day since I told them about my fears" he said to himself. "Took a hell of a lot of effort, but it did feel liberating, I guess. Like everything would be okay. Only, how long can I really expect that feeling to last?"

If Desmond knew one thing about himself, it was that any lingering fears he had, wouldn't leave him easily. They would remain somewhere in his mind, silently taunting him, re-surfacing at what seemed like the worst possible times.

_Hey you, look what you do to me  
You hurt and you scar me  
With all that you tell me (but I don't listen!)_

He had grown used to hiding his feelings from everyone else and putting on a poker face. Silently wrestling against the frightening thoughts in his mind whenever they would come back to him, and then finally vanquishing them, carrying on with his life. Yet whether it took a week or a month, those thoughts would eventually come back again.

_You love me, you hate me  
_You always want to take me down with you  
_What do you want from me?!_

Every moment that he didn't spend in fear, every moment where he felt that small re-assurance that everything would be okay in the end, was a moment that he cherished. So whenever he was in the midst of one of those moments, he enjoyed it as if it would be the last. These days, most of those moments involved Lucy, Shaun and Rebecca.

_I don't wanna be afraid  
I don't wanna run away  
I don't want to be here fading  
It's more that I can take _

_I'm never gonna be the same  
I threw it all away  
I don't want to be here fading  
Just let go! _

His hand curled up into a fist as he closed his eyes and exhaled, but instead of fear he felt, something else…

_You kept pushing me  
You keep using me  
You keep twisting me  
You keep breaking me _

"I'm not alone" he declared. "Why did it take me until now to realize it? Lucy, Shaun, Rebecca…at least I have them. Together, along with the rest of the Assassins, we CAN save the world! Together…"

_You can't have me anymore  
You can't have me anymore  
You can't have me anymore  
You can't have me, let go!_

No tears escaped his closed eyes. Instead, he smiled.

_I don't wanna be afraid,  
I don't wanna run away  
I don't want to be here fading,  
It's more that I can take!_

_I don't wanna be afraid,  
I don't wanna run away  
I don't want to be here fading,  
It's more that I can take!_

"Fear will come back to me, but I never gave up before. I'll die before I let it control me."

_I'm never gonna be the same  
I threw it all away  
I don't want to be here fading  
Just let go! _

He finally recognized what he was feeling: Tranquility. That small re-assurance…

_Let go!  
Just let go!  
I don't wanna be afraid!  
Let go!  
I don't wanna run away!  
Just let go!  
Let go! _

He took the earphones out and made his way back to the Sanctuary. When he got back, his friends were all waiting for him.

"Good timing Desmond! Lucy was just about to leave and fetch you back" beamed Rebecca, giving Desmond a thumbs up.

"Come on now, no time to waste Sunshine. The animus is ready, in you go" Shaun said hastily, giving him a friendly nod.

Desmond nodded back. "Okay, let's do it."

"Hey, Desmond?" Lucy began. "I know it's only been a day since, you told us…but I need to ask anyway. Are you okay?"

Desmond looked at his three friends, each of them now visibly curious, and he gave them a nod.

"Yeah" he stated, smiling. "I'm okay."

And this time, he meant it…


End file.
